


I feel my bones (crack in your arms)

by brokolisuper



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Grammatical errors, M/M, What is this?, this makes no sense
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-18
Updated: 2016-12-18
Packaged: 2018-09-09 13:11:14
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,129
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8892025
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/brokolisuper/pseuds/brokolisuper
Summary: jaehyun's halfway past 16 when the circus troupe came.





	

**Author's Note:**

> english's not my first, second nor it is my third language so please bear with those grammatical errors !! (youve been warned) this fic actually doesnt even make sense IT'S ONLY A WAY FOR ME TO FIND FELLOW DOJAE SHIPPER hit me up on twitter @syupeurim we can talk abt dojae (or doyoung !!!) for hours lub

jaehyun's halfway past 16 when the circus troupe came to district 3, his hometown.

the troupe had been the talk of town for months; given the fact that it is one of the most (scratch that, it is the only) popular circus carnival among the 19 districts. jaehyun's been dying to watch that carnival, but with the amount of working he had to do (plus he's super tight on money), he never had the chance to watch it. 

then one night, a night where he unfortunately had to watch out if there's any wolves that's going to eat his (father's) sheep, he found a boy sitting on the branch of oak tree near the sheepfold. a boy with dainty ankles, oversized shirt, twiggy arms, and mesmerizing eyes. 

jaehyun couldn't see that well in the dark, but one thing for sure, the boy smiled at him. all of a sudden, the boy jumped off of the tree. 

jaehyun was panicking. 

that boy was sitting on the highest branch, that it got jaehyun running to save the boy from falling into the ground. 

up close, jaehyun was stunned with the boy's big doe eyes and pretty, contagious smile.

it feels like years when suddenly the boy's laughing, the hold of his legs circling jaehyun's waist tightens, so does his arms around jaehyun's neck.

(it got jaehyun tightens his arms around the boy's waist too.) 

and oh, sweet, sweet boy, how dare he gave jaehyun a look of his white, pretty, delicate looking, neck and shoulder? and those collarbones…

jaehyun was brought back to reality when the boy spoke. 

"i’m doyoung." 

oh, his voice! so soft, so sweet, so wonderful it even put siren’s alluring lullaby to shame! a perfect match for a boy so little, so cute like him.

it took seconds before jaehyun finally responds with a small, "...i'm jaehyun." 

"no! you're warm." 

then the beauty in his arms, doyoung, giggles. hiding his face in the crook of jaehyun's neck. 

jaehyun was confused as fuck. who is this boy? he never seen him around. and he knows everyone in town. is he new? how come he miss a face so pretty like this? this boy shouldn't go unnoticed, his hair's the lightest shade of pink, for god's sake. 

jaehyun was still thinking when the boy jumped off of his hold then started walking to the direction where jaehyun came from. 

he's barefooted, and he... 

only wear an oversized shirt. 

is he really sane? why doesn't he wear long pants to cover his oh, so, so beautiful thighs and calves? 

doyoung stopped walking. he turned around, facing jaehyun that still had his eyes fixed on him, and then waved him goodbye followed by that sweet smile of his. 

jaehyun was definitely awestruck upon seeing that smile.

never had he seen a boy so beautiful. 

a boy so wonderful. 

a boy like doyoung. 

the smile, the giggles, the boy… got him wide awake that night.

jaehyun fell asleep at dawn with the thought of doyoung's smile, doyoung's voice, just doyoung, doyoung, doyoung... 

the next night, doyoung was there again. 

sitting on the highest branch, swinging his pale legs back and forth while humming a tune jaehyun wasn’t familiar with so loud.

(though strangely, jaehyun found a moment of tranquility within doyoung's presence.)

"is it too late? did you wait for a long time?" doyoung shouted (he didnt have to, the night was filled with silence). 

jaehyun shook his head. 

doyoung was here first, shouldn’t he ask doyoung that instead? 

but he didn’t.

instead, jaehyun came closer to the tree. doyoung smiled brightly upon seeing jaehyun standing under the tree with arms wide open. he jumped and landed himself with a yelp on jaehyun's arms. 

"can i see your sheep? can i? can i? i can, right?" doyoung tilted his head, boyish smile still planted on his face. 

"...sure." 

and doyoung jumped again from jaehyun's hold. he was going to the sheepfold running, then he remembered that he didn't have the key to open it. doyoung was going to ask jaehyun to open it for him, but jaehyun was suddenly on his side, smiling while opening the lock. 

"i can't make any kind of noises right? i can't, i can't... can't i?" doyoung exclaimed, then he clamped his mouth shut, fearing the sheep will wake up hearing his loud voice. 

"you can't, you can't, can't you?" jaehyun said, and he found the pout on doyoung's face really adorable. 

"you can't just blatantly copy my way of talking," doyoung said, still pouting. it was washed off of his face though the minute he sees the sleeping sheeps. 

"so beautiful!" doyoung said. 

(are you talking about yourself?, jaehyun thought.) 

he was running around the sleeping sheep. he finally stopped in front one of the sheep, squatted in front of it, looking at the sleeping sheep with mouth agape. jaehyun doesn’t even know how his hands finds its way to doyoung's chin, softly pushing it upwards to close doyoung's mouth. 

"flies... yeah, flies. they're going to get into your mouth," jaehyun said. he pat himself on the back for not stuttering in front of doyoung. 

"thank you! what a gentleman. cute gentleman." doyoung winked, his hands that was folded on his knees at first, pinched jaehyun's baby fat filled cheeks. and jaehyun, had the nerve to fucking blush at that gesture. luckily doyoung's attention went back to the sheep so fast it didn't have time to see jaehyun's pale cheeks turning red. 

jaehyun's only 16, never had people as cute (the girl that sells orange on block 2 doesn’t count, she's only 9!) doyoung pinching his cheeks, and still in a phase where his body's raging with hormones. so isn't it normal for him to blush at doyoung's gesture? 

trying his best to push away the feeling he had, jaehyun attempted a conversation with doyoung. it’s not everyday he got the chance to talk with creature so beautiful. might as well use this chance as an attempt to look friendly. he really don’t want to scare doyoung away with his usual awkward self.

"they're handful at times. i hate them. but he is my favorite," jaehyun said, pointing at the sheep doyoung's been looking.

doyoung snapped his head up so fast jaehyun’s afraid it’s going to break.

"bad, bad guy! how can you hate a sheep? a sheep wouldn't spit on your food, it's not going to step on you, it's not going to slap you, it-" 

jaehyun was taken aback with the sudden outburst, nor he can control his own body that instantly hugs the now trembling doyoung so tight. the situation’s they’re in is weird, really. hugging while squatting, in midst of sleeping sheep. but boy, does it feel so right to have doyoung in his arms. 

"im sorry, i really am sorry." jaehyun’s hand was shaking so hard he grasped the grass underneath to stop it as doyoung was releasing their hug.

"no, no... why am i this mean to you? oh my god, warm, i'm sorry! i didn't mean to, oh my god, i'm so mean, i'm-"

jaehyun didn’t let him finish, it wasn’t his fault anyway. perhaps doyoung had his own soft spot for sheep… that’s why he lashed out after hearing jaehyun's remark about him hating the sheep.

"no, no, you're not. stop crying, eh? you're going to wake them up. and things' going to get ugly when they wake up." doyoung still hiccups, but he nodded anyways. tears stream were now drying on his rosy cheeks but his puckered lips is still glistening with tears.

jaehyun stand up, stretching out his hand for doyoung to hold. the boy accepts, finally standing and smile were now back on his face. jaehyun walked him out of the sheepfold. 

they're not holding hands, but doyoung is linking his tiny pinky to jaehyun's. 

"i had fun! thank you," doyoung says, letting go of their linking pinky. jaehyun never felt this empty before. it didn't last that long though, because doyoung came closer to jaehyun's face to kiss his cheek. 

jaehyun, of course, was surprised to death by it. 

"an apology from me! i don't have my cookies with me right now, but i ate five earlier, so i hope your cheek still going to get a taste of it! it was delicious, buttery, and sweet! and oh, it has pecan in it too! you like pecan?" doyoung was now jumping on his feet happily. jaehyun laughed. doyoung's really one of a kind. 

"how can i taste it? by licking my cheek? it’s going to be a really hard task, doyoung," he said, still laughing. doyoung stopped jumping, frown evident on his face. 

"you're right... why am i so stupid?" doyoung says and in an instant, doyoung kissed jaehyun. doyoung was sucking jaehyun’s lower lip with his thin, moist, pink lips that doesn’t taste like pecan pie cookies in any way, but still, his lips’ the sweetest thing jaehyun ever tasted.

the kiss didn’t last that long but it feels like centuries for a thunderstruck jaehyun. doyoung released it with a pop and a blinding smile. 

"it's sweet right? good, right? i told you! doyoung never lie!"

(why do you keep talking about yourself, doyoung?)

jaehyun’s mind is still in haze when the boy that make him feeling tingling all over his body was running to god knows where. 

and jaehyun just realized that again, doyoung wasn't wearing any pants to cover his legs. 

the next night, the night after, the night after that, until jaehyun can’t keep track of the nights, doyoung keeps coming. he wear different kind of oversized shirt. sometimes sweatshirt. often times knitted sweaters. he wore them in every pastel color possible. and it’s pretty. doyoung’s pretty.

(yet, never pants. 

jaehyun wanted to ask, but isn't it kind of rude to do so? 

so he didn't.)

they never kissed again though because doyoung often take his time to bring jar filled with pecan pie cookies and many other different kind of cookies on their night encounter. they sometimes just sit on the tree branch. jaehyun listening to doyoung that’s been leaning his head on his shoulder singing. they often came inside the sheepfold too, doyoung looking all giggly and happy watching the sleeping sheep. 

they mostly talk about nothing and everything. talking about the future like they had a clue, talking about the weather, the sheep, the scar on the side of doyoung's lip (“it’s when i fell down after climbing an apple tree. the apple’s so red the blood in my veins couldn’t compare!”), jaehyun's dimples (“will i get one as pretty as yours if i keep doing this?” doyoung says while poking his own cheeks. jaehyun laughed.). they even talk about heavy things, like how corrupted district 7 is, how they think the people that came from district 1 are so fucking conservative and a total snob, and how rich people from district 5 came from some kind of shady cult. jaehyun was in a total awe at doyoung’s wordings, at how doyoung sounds so mature and serious so jaehyun couldn’t stop the smile growing on his face. they shared laughter together too. jaehyun find it amazing that doyoung have so many anecdotes to tell, doyoung’s really expressive too and he never ran out of word to say. 

to put it simply, in between the night's crisp air, the awaken sheep, doyoung's dangling legs and contagious laugh, jaehyun fell in love. 

and boy, he did fell so hard. but isn't obvious? 

doyoung's not going to catch him. it's always the other way around. 

doyoung can fall anytime he wants and jaehyun, with open arms and feet steadily planted on the ground, will always be there catch him. 

it was one of their casual night encounter where doyoung decided to wear knitted sweaters and bringing a jar of macadamia nut cookies for them to munch on while sitting on the grass under the oak tree. 

doyoung was sitting between jaehyun's leg, humming different melodies so melodic making the night thankful for the serene moment doyoung made. doyoung stops when jaehyun was putting the daisy he plucks earlier on doyoung’s ear.

“what are you thinking about, warm?”

“whatever you’re thinking about.”

"how funny…” jaehyun chuckled at that. doyoung and his sarcasm.

“but, warm, you never watch the circus, don't you?" doyoung says, he twirled the remaining daisy that jaehyun put on his lap.

"how'd ya know?" 

doyoung was silent at first. he stopped playing with the flowers and he turned around so that he was facing jaehyun. rubbing off the crumbs from jaehyun's face from eating too much cookies earlier then licking it clean from his fingers. doyoung then put the daisy on his hand to jaehyun’s ear, when he’s satisfied enough with the pretty white daisy sitting atop jaehyun’s ear, that’s when he finally replied, "guessing."

"what about you? do you?" 

"do i what?" 

"do you ever watch the circus before?" 

"...yes. i do. i was there and it was beautiful. and the end is amazing! though it's always been the same." 

"'always'? ey, you often come to carnival, yeah? rich kid," jaehyun said, ruffling doyoung's now orange hair. doyoung smiled, poking jaehyun's dimples, "do you want to come? see the carnival? it's pretty." 

"of course. who wouldn't? it's been the talk of town for these past 2 months. sadly i can't afford things like that." doyoung stopped poking jaehyun dimples. his eyes suddenly turning dim, his smile bitter. jaehyun can't understand why. 

"the carnival only have 15 days left... say, if i gave you the chance to watch the carnival, would you come and watch it?" 

"...sure?" 

doyoung was silent for a moment. there's some kind of emotion jaehyun can't comprehend on his face. but then his smile is back again, and he's pinching jaehyun's cheeks again. 

"why'd ya ask?" jaehyun says, stroking doyoung’s small waist. why is this boy so thin when he always eat cookies with too much butter and sugar in it?

"never mind. ah, i have to get going, bye warm!" 

then doyoung's leaving, hugging the jar tight to his chest. 

and jaehyun, can only watch the orange haired love interest of his with longing. 

the next night, doyoung came wearing oversized tshirt with pink cardigan and matching pink beret. he looks extremely cute and adorable it got jaehyun pinching his cheeks. doyoung, who was zoning out, made jaehyun laugh with his deer in the headlights face.

"why are you pinching my cheeks?" 

"why are you pinching my cheeks?" 

jaehyun likes it when doyoung shows his irritated face whenever jaehyun imitated him.

"whatever... hey, can we go somewhere today? don't misunderstand! i like this place. it's pretty, but can we go to another place today?" 

sweet, sweet doyoung and his habit of repeating his words so it doesn't come out as rude never fails to make jaehyun smile. 

and who are jaehyun to decline doyoung and his request? 

they’re now off to whatever ‘another place’ doyoung wants to visit. doyoung walks in front of him. he doesn’t only walk, he sometimes waltz, twirls all by himself because he knows jaehyun can’t dance to save a life. doyoung even did some kind of ballet leap then he laughs because he failed.

and jaehyun, once again, fell in love. 

he knows the street in this town like the back of his hand, but jaehyun didn’t know what kind of place doyoung are heading to. but wherever that place is, jaehyun will always willing to go, as long as he’s with doyoung.

they finally arrived in some kind of abandoned warehouse outskirt the town. the tallest building in town, as the other building are usually only have two floors, meanwhile this one has four. jaehyun remembered that the building was the result of investment gone wrong by the upper class men from district 18. how can doyoung know this place? 

it’s not that important anyway, so jaehyun didn’t ask.

(he never asks.)

doyoung finally walked on his side, their hands holding. jaehyun can see that the boy’s dead tired from all the dance he did. doyoung started getting excited again as he tugs jaehyun into the warehouse. they climbed into the rooftop and sit on the edge while watching the sky. 

"too bad there’s no city lights... district 11's city lights were so pretty. every building is so high you wonder if they’re going to pierce the skies."

“must be pretty, yeah?”

(like you.)

“it is! the skyscrapers were built with pretty, vibrant colors it lights up the whole town and make the night doesn’t feel that lonely anymore! let’s go there sometimes! we can climb to one of those skyscrapers rooftop too, and you can pick a star for me.”

“sure, i’d do that.”

(picking the stars from the sky must be hundred times easier than having you by my side.)

and then doyoung talks, talks, and talks. about how he had been here and there. watched the snow on district 7, sewing his first knitted sweater on this kind and pretty lady home that lives in district 13, and how he found the milky way in district 9 is the most apparent.

"but hey, warm, do you see that big, red tent over there?" 

"the carnival tent?" jaehyun finally speak. he’s silent most of the time, giving time for doyoung to speak everything on his mind. watching that small lips of his moving, making pretty sounds even when it’s only talking about how he pitied those starving street cats. hearing doyoung speak always make his heart leapt from happiness.

"yes." 

"what about it?" 

"do you still want to watch it?" 

"yes...?" jaehyun says with hesitation. it’s not like jaehyun’s doesn’t want to watch the carnival (because he really did, his peers been talking about how awesome it is), it’s just that he found it strange for doyoung to be asking that.

doyoung nodded. then he take jaehyun's hand on his, swinging his legs to the side so they’re not dangling again, instead it’s on the concrete, forcefully making jaehyun do that too. 

"watch me!" doyoung then let go of jaehyun's hand.

he started singing. a song jaehyun never heard before (just like other songs doyoung's been singing). the song sounds sad. it's about a goodbye, and doyoung looks like he's on the verge of breaking down when suddenly he stops singing. jaehyun wanted to ask why, but doyoung's already taking off his cardigan and he started singing again. the lyrics' still the same but doyoung's all smiley now. he's even dancing! a proper dance, not like the one he showed jaehyun on their way to the warehouse. doyoung even manage to keep his voice steady while he does some kind of tumbling! he's did a perfect ballet leap! then the performance end. 

and jaehyun's still staring, mouth gaping at doyoung that still smiles, even when he’s catching his breath.

doyoung really is a boy who's perfect, talented, beautiful, stunning, ethereal...

doyoung’s a boy that tasted as sweet as sugar venom. a boy so little, so tiny, so small yet so strong it had the force to pull jaehyun into his gravity with his smile, his laugh, his stories, his voice, his everything. how can he do that? was jaehyun too weak, or is doyoung actually a witch?

(jaehyun really wants to breath doyoung in like a vapor.)

"it's going to be more marvelous if i have the others with me too... that aside, do you like it?" jaehyun can't understand the first phrase, but he's now leaning closer to doyoung to answer his second phrase. 

he cupped doyoung's rosy cheeks then kissed his always cookie tasted like lips. doyoung circled his hand around jaehyun's neck, giving his hair a tug whenever he feels jaehyun nibbled or bite too hard. they parted when the need to breath hits. still, both forehead are touching and smiles were as bright as july's sun. 

their next meeting was on the rooftop of the abandoned warehouse again. both acted so shy after their last heated make out session. 

it was doyoung who broke the silence between them. 

"don't you want to me to accompany you shepherding in the daylight?" 

jaehyun realizes that they always meet at 11 pm every night. he never gets the chance to see doyoung's beauty in broad daylight, or never had he the chance to let doyoung gets a taste of his favorite apple pie the bakery in block 8 sells at 8 am. 

"of course i want to. do you want it too?" doyoung nodded, his smile's all teeth. 

"i do. i do… do i?" 

"you do. stop doubting everything." what jaehyun said had doyoung frozen.

"can i go back now? i don't feel that well..." doyoung then stand up abruptly. jaehyun panicked, did he said something wrong?

(the tip of his tongue been dying to ask what’s wrong, but he bit them from asking why. letting possible answers of his whys floating in the air.)

"i'm going to see you again tomorrow, right?" jaehyun said that instead, hands shaking, at least his voice isn’t.

jaehyun’s afraid.

(he’s afraid doyoung’s going to get even more further from his reach than he is right now. that’s why he never ask why. he don’t want to scare doyoung away with questions.)

doyoung was steps ahead of him when he turned around, smiling and nodding, "of course!" 

lies.

doyoung didn't show up the next day. 

not on the oak tree, not on the warehouse. he didn't show on the third, fourth, eight day too. 

on the ninth day, doyoung finally showed up. he's at the oak tree. not sitting on the branch like he usually do, he was leaning on the trunk 

...and he's wearing pants. 

"doyoung?" 

"warm!" 

jaehyun swore he see doyoung's lips trembling just now, why'd it go so fast it's now forming a smile? 

"where have you been?" jaehyun said when he enveloped doyoung in his arms. 

fuck, doyoung feel like he was made to be in jaehyun's arms only. 

doyoung didn't answer. instead, he kissed jaehyun's cheek and whispered in jaehyun's reddening ear, "to the rooftop!" 

shortly after they were seated comfortably on the concrete in the rooftop, doyoung open his pants. 

"you hate them?" jaehyun asked when he sees doyoung folding his pants neatly. 

"they make me feel ugly." 

jaehyun was confused as fuck but he didn't want to probe the matter further. 

(if there's one thing doyoung should know, he will always looks beautiful in jaehyun's eyes.)

"warm, you're such a good, good guy," doyoung said as he was putting his head on jaehyun's lap. jaehyun smiled, stroking doyoung's hair. "how so? you said i'm a bad guy on our second meeting." 

"you're good... but you're bad... you're mostly good, but still, you're bad..." doyoung says, then there’s warm lips kissing jaehyun’s stomach that’s still covered with shirt.

"warm, ask me why do i despise pants so much." 

jaehyun hesitated at first, but the look on doyoung's face make him finally say it. "...why'd you despise pants so much...?" 

"they make me feel ugly." 

jaehyun breathed in relief. he laughed. 

"you're beautiful, so, so beautiful." 

doyoung stand up, "will you still say that when you see this?" and then the sweater he was wearing was tossed aside. 

there were marks. so many marks. ugly, ugly marks. they were purple, they were long, some of them even still had blood in it. 

"doyoung..." 

then doyoung sobbed. he sobbed so hard he don’t even realize jaehyun was putting his coat around him and hugs him tight. 

"the only part that is marks free from me is my legs. and my face. and my palm. i can't cover them; they're the only part of me that makes me feel beautiful." 

oh sweet, sweet, lovely doyoung turns into a sad doyoung and jaehyun hates it. who the fuck got the nerve to hurt this fairy? 

"do i still look beautiful to you, warm? with these, these ugly things... that hugs me tightly?" 

jaehyun wasn’t even thinking when he said, "always, always. no matter what. always so, so beautiful. in my eyes. for me. always. always. beautiful. wonderful. love you, doyoung." 

doyoung cried again. he hugs jaehyun even more tightly. 

(jaehyun felt a pang on his chest when he realized doyoung didn’t even answer his love confession.)

now it was jaehyun who initiate their kiss.

jaehyun kisses the scars, the marks, the things that make doyoung feels ugly, the thing that make jaehyun loves him even more, the thing that make jaehyun chanting beautiful, because that's what doyoung is.

(jaehyun will kiss doyoung so many times, give him the stars, the moon, the rainbows in the sky for doyoung only, making doyoung realizes that while the moon and the sun have embraced each other four times, doyoung had already been orbiting jaehyun’s thoughts in a thousand rings. 

jaehyun wanted doyoung so badly.

sadly, there’s always a part of him that reminds him that doyoung’s out of his reach. 

that doyoung will never be his.)

the next day, doyoung came wearing pretty smile on his face and cute short blue overalls it makes jaehyun smiling so hard. 

"let's go to the carnival tomorrow!" doyoung says the minute jaehyun came near him.

"eh? don't have penny for it."

"who said you're going to pay for it?" 

"i don't?" 

"you don't! you don't! don't- you don't!" 

jaehyun smiled because doyoung remembered. 

"i'm not in if it's involving something shady, though." 

"woah, seriously, you're no fun... but no. it's legal. i'm giving you a ticket." jaehyun was surprised when doyoung handed him the red ticket. it's vvip! and it's super expensive! where did doyoung get the money? 

"i'm not stealing or anything, i swear!" doyoung said after looking at jaehyun's perplexed face. jaehyun nodded. he believed doyoung. 

"but! on one condition." 

"what is it?" 

"when the carnival doors open, you have to forget me." 

"what-" 

"act like you don't know me!" 

"the hell you're talking about?" 

"you really have to forget me! it's the carnival last show, you can't miss it! do that, okay?"

"but-"

"when the carnival doors open, you're jaehyun, not warm, okay? okay! let's go to the sheepfold!" 

doyoung didn’t let jaehyun reply as he was tugging the still confused jaehyun to see his sleeping sheep. doyoung looks around the sheep with fond eyes, then squatted in front of his and jaehyun's favorite sheep. 

"must be nice seeing them when they're awake." 

"no, you're not going to say that the minute they wake up." doyoung laughed. 

jaehyun watched doyoung watched the sleeping sheep for some time when finally doyoung stand up, holding his hand and asking for a midnight stroll to the warehouse.

"hey, warm, was the night without me deep, dark and lonely?" doyoung asked when they're laying on the rooftop watching stars filled skies. 

jaehyun remembered the nine days of doyoung's sudden absence and yeah sure it feels deep, dark, lonely and of course torturing.

"it was." 

"how was the night before i came into your life?" 

"i don't know. my life's pretty dull. you just added color into it, i guess." 

"then... how about we slowly go back to the day... when i wasn't here at all?" 

"you joking?" 

"so i don't have to worry!" 

"doyoung..." 

"if only i'm a dream, i can disappear. everything would've been more perfect." 

then jaehyun kissed doyoung to shut him up. 

"we were beautiful... weren't we? but warm, will a moment more perfect than this ever come to me?" doyoung asks while he snuggled closer to jaehyun’s chest.

"you are. you are. you are beautiful. and as long as i'm here, you're going to get more memories more beautiful than this." 

jaehyun wants to cry. so he did. why does everything feels like a goodbye? what was doyoung talking about? why can’t he force his mouth to ask? why was he a coward? why can’t he, for once, have the courage to tell doyoung to stay, to see the dusk together while shepherding, to ask him in which kind of line should he stand?

"don't worry... don't cry..." doyoung said as he kissed jaehyun's knuckles. 

"weren't the moments we had together beautiful enough?" 

"yes, the moments, you, us, it's beautiful. it's perfect." jaehyun kissed doyoung's collarbones, leaving marks. a mark that he knows doyoung would love. 

"then let's start living by holding on to that moments, yeah? so the nights without each other won't feel deep, long, or dark anymore...." 

then they kissed. kissed. kissed. 

at the end, jaehyun really didn't ask why doyoung said all those things to him, he only wants to hold doyoung so tight, leaving small, ticklish kisses here and there so that he can hear that giggles he always love coming from doyoung's cherry lips. he wants to cherish this moment forever. 

it was the time for them to part. jaehyun with his bloodshot eyes hugged doyoung who's going to bids him goodbye. 

"it's my birthday today. and i want a hug to celebrate it." 

"big boy," doyoung said as he hugged jaehyun back. 

jaehyun was finally letting go of their hug. doyoung smiled and he kissed jaehyun's temple. 

and then, he's gone.

jaehyun remembers there was a night where doyoung was sitting on his lap, playing with his hair, making it into every weird shape possible and laughing so loud because of it. 

after he’s tired from all the laughing, he randomly asks, “what’s your aspiration in life?”

“to be rich, i guess. i’m tired of shepherding. they sure don’t bring that much bucks into my wallet.”

(and to be loved by you.)

doyoung laughs, leaning his head on jaehyun’s shoulder, jaehyun’s hands stroking his back.

“mine is… to be happy. to be loved.”

(don’t you realize this guy that was holding you tightly is in love with you that he is willing to do anything as long as you’re happy, doyoung?

he even waited in a line of greens and blues just to be with you.)

and then the conversation converted to doyoung whining about his lacks of nutrients from fruits nowadays.

jaehyun came to the carnival wearing his best clothes, wasting too many minutes in front of the mirror for styling his hair, and wiping his shoes until it’s all clean and shiny.

jaehyun arrived at the carnival feeling out of place. the carnival’s really huge. everyone’s mostly come with their family, friends, or significant other. oh, how jaehyun wished there’s doyoung beside him. he tried some of the arcade, tasted some of the food, and finally got the chance to lining up to watch the circus show.

everything about the venue for the circus show is sparkly and extravagant. the service for the vvip was top notch too. jaehyun got seated on the balcony on the third floor, getting a perfect view of the stage. so many people came and watch the show, the first and second floor’s really cramped, moreso with the fact that it’s the carnival last day.

the first act was from animals. they were smart, and cute, jaehyun enjoyed it so much. then a funny clown doing juggling, it was definitely children’s favorite. the next was acrobatics followed by gymnastic, their moves were lively yet frisky, it got the audience cheering so hard for them. then came the aerial acts. the audience cheered so hard, it must be their favorite. a boy entered the stage. he was petit and he got his face hidden by a big mask. even from the third floor, jaehyun could see the boy’s blinding smile and his long, pale legs when he greets the audience. he started singing alone at first. his soft voice vibrating through the tent. and then, out of nowhere, a group of people came, singing along with him then the song isn’t that sad anymore. that’s when they started to do their aerial acts, there’s even a storyline behind it. story about lovers parting. about how the petit boy will always wait for his love, but a goodbye is a goodbye, there’s nothing he can do about it. but as long as he’s with his troupe though, everything’s will be okay. his moves were graceful, pretty, and delicate.

that’s when it hits jaehyun.

he had heard this song before.

because the boy everyone have been cheering for, the star of the show, is doyoung.

his doyoung. the doyoung that already sang the special song for the last day of the carnival for him only, the doyoung that will show his gum when smiling, the doyoung that loves cookies, the doyoung that he just kissed the other day, the doyoung that snatched his heart.

when the show ends, doyoung with his troupes bowed. the audiences cheered so loud, the stage was covered with flowers too. 

and then their eyes met. 

jaehyun doesn’t even know if doyoung sees him that well, but he’s already rushing to get out from the tent, making his way to find doyoung.

doyoung is one of the circus troupe. that’s why jaehyun never seen him around. that’s why he can give jaehyun a ticket to the carnival. that’s why he had so many stories to tell, since his troupe has been touring here and there. that’s why he’s so talented. that’s why jaehyun never gets the chance to see him on the daylight, as the boy probably wasted his time practicing for his shows.

jaehyun somehow find himself in front of the troupe’s tent.

he’s going to ask something from doyoung. he never asks anything from doyoung, and now finally he have the courage to do so.

doyoung’s going to leave this town probably at dawn, so the one thing that jaehyun’s going to ask from doyoung is,

for him to stay.

“doyoung?!” jaehyun opened the curtain to the tent, looking around. the tent that was filled with chatter suddenly becomes silent. everyone’s got their eyes on him then he heard hushed whispers.

“that’s him?”

“really, doyoung? him?”

“a country boy!”

“why would doyoung risks himself for a boy like that, though?”

jaehyun didn’t understand what they’re talking about. before he even get the chance to ask, someone tapped his shoulder. jaehyun turn around, and he saw a guy probably six feet tall with cigarette hanging out of his mouth. that guy’s jaw tightened, but his eyes was surprisingly calm.

“who’re you looking for?”

jaehyun was going to answer when the guy beat him to it, “doyoung, isn’t it?”

and then he was dragged to the back of the tent with big boys he don’t even know were there. before he could grasp the situation he’s in, he was being thrown into the ground and there were punches and kick thrown into his body by none other than the boys that dragged him. jaehyun tried to fight back, but there were so many of them, and their body was definitely bigger than his it was impossible for him to fight back. jaehyun could see the guy that asks who he’s looking for was looking at him with a smug face.

jaehyun couldn’t feel his legs anymore. he’s coughing blood, he tried so hard to breath as oxygen started leaving his lungs as they keep kicking his stomach. they even step on his foot as if they want to crush it.

jaehyun was sure he’s close to death if it wasn’t for the voice he know so well stopping the boys from torturing the almost dying jaehyun.

“stop it! oh my god, johnny, what do you think you’re doing?!” doyoung screamed, pushing the boys away that backed off instantly. he’s looking at jaehyun who was clutching his stomach with tears brimming in his eyes. johnny, the culprit behind all of this, hugged doyoung from the back, then he licks doyoung’s ear, “he was looking for you, babe. isn’t he that one boy that got you all happy and giddy?”

jaehyun’s vision was blurry, but he could see doyoung stealing a glance at him before he turn around, hugging johnny, burying his face in johnny’s chest.

(and he's wearing pants. a long one at that.)

“no… it’s not him. i don’t even know him,” doyoung says. his voice was so little but it was crystal clear in jaehyun’s ear. hearing doyoung acting as if they don’t know each other, as if they never give each other a taste of happiness every night sure makes everything ten times harder for jaehyun. his whole body feels numb, but that doesn’t mean the pain in his heart is any better.

“then how did he know your name?”

doyoung releases their hug, then he cupped johnny’s face. doyoung looks so tiny compared to johnny. johnny was probably a head taller than doyoung. he was good looking too. he’s absolutely older, much more older than jaehyun or doyoung is, he must be more experienced. and he looks rich too, he must be the head of the troupe. 

and who was jaehyun? he’s only a shepherd boy with an awkward personality to boot, who was he to dream asking a boy as perfect as doyoung to stay, to face the future with him?

“i’m the star, remember? why would it be hard for people to know who i am?” doyoung says while smiling. jaehyun was with doyoung long enough to know that isn’t doyoung’s usual sincere smile. that smile looks forced and fake. that johnny guy only hums, squeezing doyoung’s bum closer to him then kisses him hard.

“let’s go, yeah? stop hurting the boy. it’s not him. we’re leaving anyways.”

and then they left. leaving the hurting jaehyun alone. jaehyun wipe the blood off of his lips, then he tried to crawl his way out of the carnival, but he failed. he wanted to laugh, but even breathing was hard. what kind of sick joke is he facing right now? doyoung was right, it must be nice to be a dream. he can disappear anytime he wants.

jaehyun’s still coughing when there’s a hand stroking his back.

it’s doyoung.

doyoung is back, and his face was filled with tears. he looks like a total wreck. it hurts. it hurts so much to see doyoung this sad. life should always be a ray of sunshine for doyoung.

“i tell johnny that i’m going to apologize on his behalf so that i can talk for a minute or two with you, and when i’m ending my supposed apology, taeil, will come, he’ll take care of your wounds and then there’s mark and hansol that’s going to take you home,” doyoung says. he’s trembling but he keeps his voice steady. jaehyun nods, because that’s the only thing he can do.

“i told you to forget me when the carnival doors open, didn’t i?”

doyoung’s still crying but he’s trying his best wiping the remaining blood from jaehyun’s face with the cloth in his hand. jaehyun can only stare, he tried to stare as long as he can, before all of this memories, all of this moments, disappeared before his eyes.

“the marks, the scars, they were from johnny. he was the one who trained me, i was an orphan when he took me to the troupe at the age of 10. it was troupe or orphanage. and isn’t troupe better? i got to meet you. though you have to be hurt because of me,” doyoung says. he paused, tracing jaehyun’s cheek with the back of his hand.

“you’re really handsome today, by the way.”

jaehyun managed to put on a smile at that. so does doyoung. but his smile were bitter.

“he’s abusive. johnny, i mean. whip, paddle, and some other blunt things i can’t remember… i hate it, but i have to endure it. i have nowhere to go. and johnny loved me… i guess, in some kind of sick, twisted world, he probably did. but troupe was successful, everyone always thank me for being the troupe’s breadwinner, and who am i to be ungrateful brat by leaving them? sure, johnny makes me hate me for who i am, i hate him, but he’s giving me that kind of attention i’ve been craving for. the attention i never had before… plus when it comes to dancing, singing in front of people… i always feel like i’m spending a night in a different world. a night when i became a different person… that’s the night when i was performing. the night where i give out my best to the audience. i became the brightest light and danced, the night where everyone become happy because of me. i’m grateful for johnny. he was the one who taught me how to make people happy.” 

it fucking hurts hearing doyoung actually have some kind of feelings for johnny. 

“and he somehow knows i like sneaking out after show to meet someone. that’s why i couldn’t meet you for some time. he didn’t know it was you i’m seeing, though,” doyoung says, he tries to cover his sadness by releasing a small laugh, but failed.

“but warm… from the start, everything was for you. just believe in that as you forget me,” doyoung says, kissing jaehyun’s knuckles. tears were back on his face and oh boy, jaehyun really did want to wipe them away. he don’t want doyoung to shed sad tears; he wished and he wants life to bring only happy tears and contagious smile into doyoung’s door.

“ah, i should get going… wait a minute, yes? i’m going to call taeil.”

but doyoung remains unmoving. he’s still there, kissing jaehyun’s knuckles and threading his hand through jaehyun’s hair.

at the end, doyoung kissed every part of jaehyun’s face, he left traces of tears in jaehyun’s face too. when it comes to jaehyun’s lips, doyoung stops. he stared right into jaehyun’s eyes to whisper, “i’m sorry… i love you, jaehyun. always have, always will. i’m always the happiest when i’m with you,” and then his trembling lips come in contact with jaehyun’s chapped ones.

(but i know, you’re not happy enough to let everything go.

and you’re not in love enough to stay.)

just like that, doyoung’s gone.

it was february 14th. jaehyun celebrated his 17th birthday by getting a hug from doyoung at midnight in front of the warehouse, having a small dinner with his family and then going to the carnival afterwards.

it was at the very same day, when doyoung called him jaehyun for the first and the last time.

jaehyun’s only 17 too when he realized that he’s so into doyoung, and the hardest part is knowing that he’ll never follow through. because at the end, first love was never meant to last. doyoung was made for his arms to wrap, but it’s not always love the world is going to talk about.

**Author's Note:**

> "omg look at those grammar eRRORS" "omG SO REPETITIVE" "horrible"  
> calm down sis  
> coz im not going to write fic in english ever again lmao  
> so make sure we'll befriend each other on twitter !! im not writing this for nothing lol  
> heavily inspired by gain's carnival (QUEEN), nell's four times around the sun and title comes from blood orange's best to you!!


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